It's been a while...

It has been a while! Sorry about that; I guess I just haven't had much of interest to say.Mom came up to visit this weekend. It was a good/bad thing. I really liked seeing her and I was really grateful that she came up, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her. I want her to know that I love her and care about her, but when I try to show her, she's never receptive. So then I feel like she's being critical and I get all defensive and then she thinks I don't care...it's a really vicious cycle. Anyway, all told it wasn't as terrible as it could have been, so I suppose that's a good thing.Went to Julie's senior scholars presentation today; it was really good. It was interesting in and of itself, which was nice. I also had some cool insights into the whole Laura/Julie thing and set my mind at ease about a few things. And I also decided (again...and who knows for how long) that I want to go to grad school in two years--for religious studies. I know it's weird that Julie's presentation on queer mutiny got me inspired to go study religion, but I was just thinking about how the divide and philosophical/political diversity in the queer community is kind of similar to the divides among the early Christians and how religious studies really needs someone to "queer" it...anyway, I'm odd, I know. I'm going to ask Carleen if she wants to have lunch sometime in the next week and a half so I can pick her brain about it all. Maybe I'll get something definitive out of that.

Sherman Alexie

I just got home from Sherman Alexie's talk--he was appearing on campus. It was totally packed, maybe the biggest crowd Colby has seen this year. Anyway, it was absolutely fantastic. Sherman Alexie is my new hero. He talked about contradictions, and how if you stick to one point of view or ideology--whether you're liberal OR conservative--you end up being a hypocrite. Because no one point of view is ever ALL right. Which is exactly the way I feel. I really believe that human beings are inherently contradictory, and that we have to recognize that, and recognize that sometimes "the other side" might actually have a point, before we're ever going to accomplish anything.Anyway, I'm sure he probably pissed a lot of people off, and I'm sure the digest tomorrow is going to be on fire with people whining and shouting and swearing. But you know what? Alexie told them how wrong they all better than I ever could. He's my new hero. (Okay, and maybe I have a bit of a childish crush on him, too....)**********Sherman Alexie quotes:"A lot of people live with exclamation points. I try to live with question marks." "I'm living inside the contradictions. Ceremonies happen every day. The sacred is ordinary.""I'm like a flying contradiction."

Randomness

So, the Pequod might want to publish my story "Pilgrimage"--depends on how much space they have. It's exciting that they're even interested, though; the Pequod is really competitive. I've been submitting stuff for four years and this is the first time I've had even a glimmer of interest. So, yay!Sherman Alexie tonight. I'm SO excited! The other night Karen, Sarah W. and I watched "Smoke Signals." The man is such a genius. I can't wait to see him speak.Ran away to the beach yesterday with Karen, Lena, Janine and Carolyn. Very fun...though the car ride down and back was actually a bit more enjoyable than the actual destination. April in Maine does NOT generally equal beach weather!The AIDS carnival last night was way fun, as was little Laura and Cara's communist party afterwards. Except that I think there were a couple of people there who are still suspicious of me. Not liberal enough for them...and I write for the Echo, which of course makes me an automatic asshole. Right. I hate people, sometimes.Okay, so all that really was a bunch of randomness. Apologies. I'm just feeling kind of chill right now. I'll be more organized and coherent in my thinking later, I promise.

Echo column

Here's the column I wrote for next week's Echo...mostly venting my frustrations about why people don't appreciate religious diversity on this campus.**********************It is not safe to be religious—let alone spiritual—on this campus. As soon as Colby students hear the word “Christian,” they think of Bible-thumpers and Bush’s faith-based initiative. I don’t think I really need to say that that idea is a huge, huge misconception. I’m sure (though I can’t speak from personal experience) that those of other faiths on campus experience similar generalizations and predjudices. No matter how you slice it, being a person of faith at Colby means you face struggles that go overlooked on this campus far more often than other forms of cultural insensitivity, microaggressions and hate speech.For instance, I, a Catholic, recently described an Easter service to a group of friends in the dining hall. When I finished, instead of the nods and smiles I’d expected, one member of the group left me stunned and hurt by saying, “Yeah, and the priest is fucking the altar boy on the side, too.” I was speechless.Now, I had assumed Colby students to be educated and intelligent enough to realize that only a very small percentage of Catholic priests are pediphiles—almost negligible, in fact, when you consider the number of priests worldwide. I had also assumed that Colby students would be able to tell the difference between a sincere person of faith and a criminal who finds the pastoral life an easy way to get close to victims. Apparently, I was wrong on both counts.What baffles me most about this particular incident is that same person who made this immensely hurtful comment was one of the most vocal objectors to Andrew Sullivan’s use of the phrase “Islamo-Fascism.” Seems a bit hypocritical to me—but that’s another column entirely.Perhaps the problem lies in the fact that there is little administrative support for religion of any kind on campus. Just because we’re a private, liberal institution, do we have to act like religion really is the opiate of the masses? I think we worry so much about excluding that we forget to include. Why can’t we celebrate ALL religions and all people of faith in our community? Where’s the support for that kind of diversity?The student body, however, is no better. During the recent MOSAIC conference on multiculturalism, a friend and I attempted to lead a workshop promoting religious understanding and cooperation between people of all faiths. A whopping two people attended. Now that really makes me feel supported and welcome as a person of faith on Colby’s campus. Right.Sadly, the issue is often simplified so that students see it as a mere matter of politics—the eternal battle of conservatives versus liberals, even on matters of religion. News flash, Colby—religion is not just about politics. For many people, it is about genuine faith. Every religion has conservatives—fundamentalists, even—and every religion has liberals and progressives. Every religion also has people who fall somewhere in the middle. Understanding that is key to understanding why students of faith on this campus get so frustrated. We’re a diverse group—with a lot to add to campus life, if Colby would only give us the chance—and we don’t like to be stereotyped any more than anyone else does.Maybe—just maybe—the answer is for all members of the Colby community to be sensitive to and supportive of the needs of all others. To not make hurtful comments just to be inflammatory. To quit jumping to conclusions about those students who actually do have a spirituality. To try and be understanding, rather than pointing fingers, flinging around obscenities and choosing sides. For us to (gasp!) genuinely care about each other. But that’s probably asking way too much.

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Lots to say...it's been a very full week. Easter was this weekend; it was great. Karen, Ben and I went to the Russian Orthodox service in Richmond, which I really enjoyed. Then I shirked working on a paper for Laurie (okay because I got it done on time anyway) to go to the CS service with Karen on Sunday morning. I find that even though I feel like there's a lot lacking in the CS church and in its service, I still get a lot out of it, which of course is nice. And Mass on campus was also good. Laura came, and it was really good to see her back in church. My sense is that it helps her remember...those things that need to be remembered. Also, Phyllis and her kids came, and I think that Phyllis was pleasantly surprised. It was really good, because my only sticking point with her has really been that she doesn't get why I'm still so spiritual. I think Mass on Sunday may have helped her understand.On Tuesday, Jack managed to thoroughly piss me off by making an ignorant, inflammatory comment about Catholics. The kid needs to learn to apologize, because someday he's going to offend someone who won't be quite so subtle as me. As it is, I'm responding the best way I know how, by writing a column for next week's Echo. It was just kind of the final straw as far as people disrespecting spirituality and religion on this campus.Things have been looking up since then, though. Particularly since tonight I got to have dinner with Laura. It needed to be done, and it was really, really good to reconnect with her. We got to talk about some things, and I think I managed to make her understand the complexities of my love life--with some help from the Big Guy of course. I just really wanted to her to get it, because I really want her to have what I have. It would be so, so great for her--I just want to see her happy again.So that's what's been going on with me lately. I'm having a meeting with another TFA corps member who's visiting campus on Friday. Hopefully that will renew the excitement about heading to Texas--something needs to, because it's waning fast. Sigh. I wish I wasn't so torn about this...

Future anxieties

This week has been absolutely insane. I had an exam on Tuesday, a paper due today and another due on Sunday...which is Easter! The one due on Easter is for Laurie, and I had a meeting with her about it today. I felt kind of bad, because I was a bit out of it and stressed and hadn't done much work on the paper yet because I'd been working on the one due today. We ended up talking about my teaching observation at Messalonskee on Monday (Laurie's son goes there) and about how I'm nervous about TFA. Laurie said she thinks I'm going to be great, which made me feel a little better, even though I'm not entirely sure I believe her. The observation made everything so REAL, and I'm not sure I'll be able handle it. How on earth am I going to get the kids to respect me? How do teachers do it? I'm not such an outgoing, dynamic person...I'm closer to a pushover than anything! Anyway, one piece of advice Laurie gave me was, "Just remember that even on your worst days you know infinitely more than them." It made me smile, at any rate. I AM psyched for the adventure of TFA, I really am...it's just pretty scary, too. I mean, I'm going be MISS MCCANDLESS!!! How weird is that?!? I don't want to be a grown-up yet--I still have way too many days when I wish I could go back to being five!

Feelin' good

It's late and coffee is really the only thing keeping me awake at this point, so please excuse me if I babble a bit. Today was way, way busy, but very good nonetheless. Most significantly, tonight was an English department dinner for all the seniors who wrote honors theses. Way fun. I felt really intelligent talking about my thesis--realized how much I actually did learn while I suffered through writing the damn thing. Also had some good, genuine conversation with Laurie, which is always good. Talked about TFA, teaching, grad school and the "endless options" for the future. Conversations with professors in general lately have been making me realize how much my teachers like me. I'm not trying to sound snooty or anything...it just makes me feel really proud and special. Like, I was talking briefly to Carleen in class today and she asked if I was graduating in May. When I said yes, she looked kind of disappointed, and it made me feel good to realize that professors like having me in their classes. It's always good to feel valued, you know. And all the English profs at the dinner tonight talked about how proud they are of all of us who wrote theses; it was just really, really nice to feel like my hard work had paid off and that people appreciated my thoughts and scholarship.I'm going bowling with Ben, Meghan, Miranda and Karen tomorrow night. It'll be good to just relax and have a good time. I know I generally get to do that enough for my mental health, but I don't really think any of them do. It'll be good to see them all having a good time and not stressing about work, school or the future for once.