It's been a while...

It has been a while! Sorry about that; I guess I just haven't had much of interest to say.Mom came up to visit this weekend. It was a good/bad thing. I really liked seeing her and I was really grateful that she came up, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her. I want her to know that I love her and care about her, but when I try to show her, she's never receptive. So then I feel like she's being critical and I get all defensive and then she thinks I don't care...it's a really vicious cycle. Anyway, all told it wasn't as terrible as it could have been, so I suppose that's a good thing.Went to Julie's senior scholars presentation today; it was really good. It was interesting in and of itself, which was nice. I also had some cool insights into the whole Laura/Julie thing and set my mind at ease about a few things. And I also decided (again...and who knows for how long) that I want to go to grad school in two years--for religious studies. I know it's weird that Julie's presentation on queer mutiny got me inspired to go study religion, but I was just thinking about how the divide and philosophical/political diversity in the queer community is kind of similar to the divides among the early Christians and how religious studies really needs someone to "queer" it...anyway, I'm odd, I know. I'm going to ask Carleen if she wants to have lunch sometime in the next week and a half so I can pick her brain about it all. Maybe I'll get something definitive out of that.

Sherman Alexie

I just got home from Sherman Alexie's talk--he was appearing on campus. It was totally packed, maybe the biggest crowd Colby has seen this year. Anyway, it was absolutely fantastic. Sherman Alexie is my new hero. He talked about contradictions, and how if you stick to one point of view or ideology--whether you're liberal OR conservative--you end up being a hypocrite. Because no one point of view is ever ALL right. Which is exactly the way I feel. I really believe that human beings are inherently contradictory, and that we have to recognize that, and recognize that sometimes "the other side" might actually have a point, before we're ever going to accomplish anything.Anyway, I'm sure he probably pissed a lot of people off, and I'm sure the digest tomorrow is going to be on fire with people whining and shouting and swearing. But you know what? Alexie told them how wrong they all better than I ever could. He's my new hero. (Okay, and maybe I have a bit of a childish crush on him, too....)**********Sherman Alexie quotes:"A lot of people live with exclamation points. I try to live with question marks." "I'm living inside the contradictions. Ceremonies happen every day. The sacred is ordinary.""I'm like a flying contradiction."

Randomness

So, the Pequod might want to publish my story "Pilgrimage"--depends on how much space they have. It's exciting that they're even interested, though; the Pequod is really competitive. I've been submitting stuff for four years and this is the first time I've had even a glimmer of interest. So, yay!Sherman Alexie tonight. I'm SO excited! The other night Karen, Sarah W. and I watched "Smoke Signals." The man is such a genius. I can't wait to see him speak.Ran away to the beach yesterday with Karen, Lena, Janine and Carolyn. Very fun...though the car ride down and back was actually a bit more enjoyable than the actual destination. April in Maine does NOT generally equal beach weather!The AIDS carnival last night was way fun, as was little Laura and Cara's communist party afterwards. Except that I think there were a couple of people there who are still suspicious of me. Not liberal enough for them...and I write for the Echo, which of course makes me an automatic asshole. Right. I hate people, sometimes.Okay, so all that really was a bunch of randomness. Apologies. I'm just feeling kind of chill right now. I'll be more organized and coherent in my thinking later, I promise.

Echo column

Here's the column I wrote for next week's Echo...mostly venting my frustrations about why people don't appreciate religious diversity on this campus.**********************It is not safe to be religious—let alone spiritual—on this campus. As soon as Colby students hear the word “Christian,” they think of Bible-thumpers and Bush’s faith-based initiative. I don’t think I really need to say that that idea is a huge, huge misconception. I’m sure (though I can’t speak from personal experience) that those of other faiths on campus experience similar generalizations and predjudices. No matter how you slice it, being a person of faith at Colby means you face struggles that go overlooked on this campus far more often than other forms of cultural insensitivity, microaggressions and hate speech.For instance, I, a Catholic, recently described an Easter service to a group of friends in the dining hall. When I finished, instead of the nods and smiles I’d expected, one member of the group left me stunned and hurt by saying, “Yeah, and the priest is fucking the altar boy on the side, too.” I was speechless.Now, I had assumed Colby students to be educated and intelligent enough to realize that only a very small percentage of Catholic priests are pediphiles—almost negligible, in fact, when you consider the number of priests worldwide. I had also assumed that Colby students would be able to tell the difference between a sincere person of faith and a criminal who finds the pastoral life an easy way to get close to victims. Apparently, I was wrong on both counts.What baffles me most about this particular incident is that same person who made this immensely hurtful comment was one of the most vocal objectors to Andrew Sullivan’s use of the phrase “Islamo-Fascism.” Seems a bit hypocritical to me—but that’s another column entirely.Perhaps the problem lies in the fact that there is little administrative support for religion of any kind on campus. Just because we’re a private, liberal institution, do we have to act like religion really is the opiate of the masses? I think we worry so much about excluding that we forget to include. Why can’t we celebrate ALL religions and all people of faith in our community? Where’s the support for that kind of diversity?The student body, however, is no better. During the recent MOSAIC conference on multiculturalism, a friend and I attempted to lead a workshop promoting religious understanding and cooperation between people of all faiths. A whopping two people attended. Now that really makes me feel supported and welcome as a person of faith on Colby’s campus. Right.Sadly, the issue is often simplified so that students see it as a mere matter of politics—the eternal battle of conservatives versus liberals, even on matters of religion. News flash, Colby—religion is not just about politics. For many people, it is about genuine faith. Every religion has conservatives—fundamentalists, even—and every religion has liberals and progressives. Every religion also has people who fall somewhere in the middle. Understanding that is key to understanding why students of faith on this campus get so frustrated. We’re a diverse group—with a lot to add to campus life, if Colby would only give us the chance—and we don’t like to be stereotyped any more than anyone else does.Maybe—just maybe—the answer is for all members of the Colby community to be sensitive to and supportive of the needs of all others. To not make hurtful comments just to be inflammatory. To quit jumping to conclusions about those students who actually do have a spirituality. To try and be understanding, rather than pointing fingers, flinging around obscenities and choosing sides. For us to (gasp!) genuinely care about each other. But that’s probably asking way too much.

Ups and downs, highs and lows

Lots to say...it's been a very full week. Easter was this weekend; it was great. Karen, Ben and I went to the Russian Orthodox service in Richmond, which I really enjoyed. Then I shirked working on a paper for Laurie (okay because I got it done on time anyway) to go to the CS service with Karen on Sunday morning. I find that even though I feel like there's a lot lacking in the CS church and in its service, I still get a lot out of it, which of course is nice. And Mass on campus was also good. Laura came, and it was really good to see her back in church. My sense is that it helps her remember...those things that need to be remembered. Also, Phyllis and her kids came, and I think that Phyllis was pleasantly surprised. It was really good, because my only sticking point with her has really been that she doesn't get why I'm still so spiritual. I think Mass on Sunday may have helped her understand.On Tuesday, Jack managed to thoroughly piss me off by making an ignorant, inflammatory comment about Catholics. The kid needs to learn to apologize, because someday he's going to offend someone who won't be quite so subtle as me. As it is, I'm responding the best way I know how, by writing a column for next week's Echo. It was just kind of the final straw as far as people disrespecting spirituality and religion on this campus.Things have been looking up since then, though. Particularly since tonight I got to have dinner with Laura. It needed to be done, and it was really, really good to reconnect with her. We got to talk about some things, and I think I managed to make her understand the complexities of my love life--with some help from the Big Guy of course. I just really wanted to her to get it, because I really want her to have what I have. It would be so, so great for her--I just want to see her happy again.So that's what's been going on with me lately. I'm having a meeting with another TFA corps member who's visiting campus on Friday. Hopefully that will renew the excitement about heading to Texas--something needs to, because it's waning fast. Sigh. I wish I wasn't so torn about this...

Future anxieties

This week has been absolutely insane. I had an exam on Tuesday, a paper due today and another due on Sunday...which is Easter! The one due on Easter is for Laurie, and I had a meeting with her about it today. I felt kind of bad, because I was a bit out of it and stressed and hadn't done much work on the paper yet because I'd been working on the one due today. We ended up talking about my teaching observation at Messalonskee on Monday (Laurie's son goes there) and about how I'm nervous about TFA. Laurie said she thinks I'm going to be great, which made me feel a little better, even though I'm not entirely sure I believe her. The observation made everything so REAL, and I'm not sure I'll be able handle it. How on earth am I going to get the kids to respect me? How do teachers do it? I'm not such an outgoing, dynamic person...I'm closer to a pushover than anything! Anyway, one piece of advice Laurie gave me was, "Just remember that even on your worst days you know infinitely more than them." It made me smile, at any rate. I AM psyched for the adventure of TFA, I really am...it's just pretty scary, too. I mean, I'm going be MISS MCCANDLESS!!! How weird is that?!? I don't want to be a grown-up yet--I still have way too many days when I wish I could go back to being five!

Feelin' good

It's late and coffee is really the only thing keeping me awake at this point, so please excuse me if I babble a bit. Today was way, way busy, but very good nonetheless. Most significantly, tonight was an English department dinner for all the seniors who wrote honors theses. Way fun. I felt really intelligent talking about my thesis--realized how much I actually did learn while I suffered through writing the damn thing. Also had some good, genuine conversation with Laurie, which is always good. Talked about TFA, teaching, grad school and the "endless options" for the future. Conversations with professors in general lately have been making me realize how much my teachers like me. I'm not trying to sound snooty or anything...it just makes me feel really proud and special. Like, I was talking briefly to Carleen in class today and she asked if I was graduating in May. When I said yes, she looked kind of disappointed, and it made me feel good to realize that professors like having me in their classes. It's always good to feel valued, you know. And all the English profs at the dinner tonight talked about how proud they are of all of us who wrote theses; it was just really, really nice to feel like my hard work had paid off and that people appreciated my thoughts and scholarship.I'm going bowling with Ben, Meghan, Miranda and Karen tomorrow night. It'll be good to just relax and have a good time. I know I generally get to do that enough for my mental health, but I don't really think any of them do. It'll be good to see them all having a good time and not stressing about work, school or the future for once.

Killing time...

I'm trying to kill the ten minutes I have between now and the English dept. honors thesis dinner, so I'm posting the link to our pictures from Spring Break. It really was an awesome trip.http://community.webshots.com/album/129968911zUYLlqI've started doing my TFA readings, and I'm getting really jazzed to start teaching. The institute this summer will probably be a lot of fun, too. I'm observing Mrs. Lehto at Messalonskee Middle School on Monday, and I bet that will get me even more psyched. Which is good, because I really need to get psyched about moving on. It will make saying goodbye in May a lot easier.

The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota!

Whew! I am back from what was quite possibly the best spring break ever--Europe last spring included! Karen, Miranda and I went to Minnesota--via each of our respective houses--to see the biggest ball of twine rolled by one man. I don't think I've ever enjoyed spending hours upon hours in the car quite so much! It was a great, great trip. We stayed with each of our families along the way, and it was nice to get to show my friends my home turf. (A visit to King's was a must, of course!) Seeing my Colby friends in my hometown was also a pretty poignant reminder of how far I've come since college...always nice to get one of those. :) At some point in the near future, hopefully this week or next week, I'm going to compile our photos, plus some stories, quotes and other random fun stuff, into a web page...I'll be sure to post the link here. Au revoir!

Spring break!

Ahh...break is just around the corner! I am SO excited! Karen, Miranda and I are headed to the Twine Ball in Minnesota. It'll be quite the roadtrip! I'm also really excited that we're going to be stopping at my house for a couple days. I really want to show my friends my "home turf," but of course that's difficult to do when one lives 12+ hours from the place where one goes to school! Anyway, it'll be good to show them around F-town, and I'm excited for Karen to finally get to meet Claire; I think they'll get along, surprisingly! :)All righty, I'm off now...time to hunt down lunch before class and then an afternoon and evening of errands and packing.Yay break!

Red-letter day

Exciting news! First, Karen found out that she got the Watson Fellowship! So she's going to go study in Russia for a year! Which means I'll be going to visit--probably over Christmas. (Deal with crossing that parental bridge when it comes around....)It's so exciting, because now that we both have plans, and that most of our other friends do, too, the future seems so much more close, and more real. It's really happening; we're really going to graduate from Colby and go out into the real world. Ahhhh! It's exciting...and scary!Also found out that I got into Phi Beta Kappa. Very unexpected. But it made me happy and proud--Mom and Dad will be psyched, too. At least I've accomplished ONE thing that Mom wanted me to accomplish.Upshot: I'm feeling good. A little dazed, perhaps, but good! :)

Happy picture!

Mom sent me this picture from Christmas Eve--the annual "all the kids on the big blue couch" shot. It made me happy, so I thought I'd share.

Stupid, stupid people!

Gah! Colby students make me so MAD! Okay, I know it's annoying that the cops put a stop to Doghead, but serving alcohol to minors IS illegal, after all. I'm just so sick and tired of how much people whine on this campus! We have it SO good in comparison to the rest of the world! Here's my away message from today...kind of sums it all up."Attention Digesters: Next year I will be teaching in an area where some families don't have running water or electricity, and where most of my eighth grade students will likely be reading on a second or third grade level. The moral of the story: Quit yer bitchin'!"

Reflections on the self

So, in my Renaissance Poetry class this morning we did some "know thyself" exercises. I thought they came out pretty cool, so I'm sharing in my journal.First...describe yourself only in terms of what you are NOT.I am NOT...outspokenflamboyantignorantineptoutrageousintemperateweaknarrow-mindedconservativehostileunkindunhappypessimisticscientificboringagnosticapatheticAnd now the second one, what I AM:I am...strongpatientfaithfulloyalintelligentpassionateoptimisticidealistichappyopen-mindedquietthoughtfulstudiouscuriouslovablecreativeimaginativeAnd the final one...describe yourself using metaphoric language.The face of my sadness is young and innocent.The voice of my joy is freeing laughter.

Folk night!

Just got home from Folk Night at the Coffeehouse. Oh my God! It was so much fun! It's led by these two math professors (I know, wierd...but cool) and there were quite a few students there. It was great just to sit around and laugh and smile and sing all these happy folk songs that I grew up with...Puff (with a new verse that I am determined to hunt down!), the Garden Song, Where Have All the Flowers Gone...Ahhh! I'm so jazzed now! I'm going back every Wednesday from now on. Yay, Folk Night!

Academic musings

A reflection on love and marriage for my "Passionate Expression" class. Enjoy!******Emma McCandlessEN 429Phyllis MannocchiMarch 10, 2004Reflection #1Our discussions in class this semester, as well as the works that we’ve been reading, have focused quite heavily on love that doesn’t necessarily involve marriage; in some cases, the works have even contrasted love with marriage, implying that the two are not and cannot be compatible with one another. Many of the love poems in our anthology deal with unrequited love, often addressing a female beloved who is already married to another man. The two operas we studied, La Boheme and Madama Butterfly, have both dealt with love outside of the traditional Western idea of marriage. And while Love Story does feature married lovers, their marriage is not by any stretch the most important part of their relationship; in fact, it does not even feel necessary to their love.I think that this depiction of love in relation to marriage is largely inaccurate. I believe that love can and does exist within the structure and marriage. The act of marriage in itself is a public statement of love and commitment—a cry to the world that this love is real and lasting. Making such a statement, in my opinion, is one of the most moving and loving things that two people can do for and with each other.Some of the works in our collection of love poetry—though we glossed briefly over most of them—demonstrate this notion that love and marriage can exist together, and that that coexistence can be a very beautiful and real thing. “The River-Merchant’s Wife: A Letter” reveals that love can blossom completely within the structure of a marriage. The poems of Anne Bradstreet and Elizabeth Barrett Browning offer extremely emotional, compelling and tender portraits of the love between two married people. And Judith Viorst’s contemporary poem “True Love” celebrates the ordinary, unglamorous—and infinitely more beautiful and real—aspects of married love.It is true that love does not need marriage to validate it. However, it is just as true that marriage and love can be and often are very intricately intertwined. When that intertwining happens, particularly in love literature (which is rare), it is a beautiful, moving and lasting commentary on the nature of love. The blending of love and marriage—in life and in literature—offers the best kind of hope to the human spirit. It offers a hope that love can endure beyond anything—from fantastic trials and adventures to the common, and infinitely more beautiful and real, activities of every day life.

Weird refreshment

Just got back from the oh-so-evil but oh-so-cheap weird, weird haven of Wal-Mart. I can't explain what it is about that place that sooths and relaxes me some how. I just think it's fun. Maybe it's the combination of my love of shopping and my very limited budget that attracts me. Maybe it's just the fact that they have everything. EVER. Yeah, I bet that's it.Anyway, I'd been feeling a bit blah lately, and going to Wal-Mart perked me right up. I just wanted to share. Now I'm off to the Echo to debate editorials and which SGA Pres/VP candidates we should endorse. This could be a loooong meeting...

MOSAIC!

The Mosaic Conference today was pretty fantastic. Karen and I led a workshop on religious pluralism that wasn't particularly well-attended, but still got some good conversation going and a lot of great ideas generated. I felt like I had empowered something. :)And Cornell West tonight was really good, too. I liked his talk a lot; I didn't feel alienated, or accused of racism, or any of those other things that I generally feel when people talk about race on this campus. It was really quite refreshing. I particularly liked that he's a Christian. I feel like religious people on this campus are really the "last minority," and the most over-looked one. It was really nice to hear a speaker, someone who a lot of people are going to listen to and emulate, talk abotu Christianity as a good basis for civil rights movements.So, all in all, it was a good thing. It got real dialogue going, not just anonymous name-calling over the Digest. It got people laughing, clapping, standing. It inspired people. Most of all, it gave me new hope for Colby and Colby students. Just a little. :)

Andrew Sullivan

I'm taking a break from this Shakespeare paper that's currently kicking my butt to vent a bit on Andrew Sullivan's talk on campus tonight. I'm tired, irritated, and a bit grouchy, so please, bear with me.I find it really, really annoying that people on this campus--some of whom are even my friends--cannot sit still for an hour and just take in some information. Not everything has to be a debate, and not everyone has to voice their opinion every single time an issue comes up. Andrew Sullivan was not invited to campus to debate Middle Eastern stereotypes (NONE of which he expressed, I might add), nor was he invited to act as a right-wing spokesman on issues such as the Patriot Act. He was invited to talk about same-sex marriage. And that's what he did. Or tried to, until Colby students decided to jump down his throat.I agreed with every single thing Andrew Sullivan said tonight. Including the use of the term Islamo-Fascits. That's exactly what Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Ladin are. Period. Every religion has some people who give their religion a bad name. I'm annoyed that the priests who abused thousands of children are still labeled as Catholic, but they are Catholic, so there's really not much I can do about it, now, is there?I guess I'm just really frustrated and disappointed that everything on this campus has to be up for debate. Andrew Sullivan made so many fantastic, fantastic points...points that I think almost everyone in the audience liked. And then, just as conservatives and liberals were about to (GASP!) agree on something, someone had go change the subject to something totally irrelevant and bring up all those latent political differences and hostilities.On a more selfish note, now I'm totally not looking forward to having breakfast tomorrow, because I know it will turn into a debate. And I am just plain sick and tired of always having to argue.

Beginning of a busy week!

Ahh! I can't believe it's March! So, so scary...graduation is getting so close! This week is going to be crazy...two papers, a presentation, the Echo continuing to rule my life (thank God I finally got an assistant editor...) and I got next to nothing done this weekend. I'm so screwed.But this weekend was good, despite the unproductivity. Particularly yesterday. Went to church with Karen in the morning, which I really enjoyed. Mostly because Lisa's cool and Mia is the cutest 8-year-old ever. :) Then I painted faces at the Lenten Fair (which was really more of an Easter Fair) in town, which was a lot of fun, in spite of all the complaining I did beforehand. Kids just make me smile--it really is a good thing that I'm going to be teaching them next year, nervous as I am about it all.Watched the most amazing documentary for Phyllis' class last night, "Southern Comfort." I would highly reccommend it--but be warned that it's not a light movie. It'll probably make you cry. But I loved it. It really made me so grateful for all the love and shared blessings in my life, and reminded me that love, no matter what form it takes, is always something incredibly beautiful, inspiring and blessed.*****postcard from our future homei am in bed, just waking.our room smells of lovemaking andthe coffee brewing downstairs.you woke early this morning to surprise me.there is so much to do today.

I was bored, so....

The fruits of an entirely unproductive day... Which deadly sin do you represent? (Angel Sanctuary Pics) brought to you by Quizilla

Thirsty for inspiration

I should really start writing again. Fiction, I mean. I've been rumbling around here all day thinking about it. Now that I'm not taking a workshop anymore--maybe not ever again!--I haven't had anything forcing me to write, so I just haven't done it. I'm a slacker, I freely admit it.Anyway, I really do want to get back into the habit of writing. I miss it a lot. I really just need to get some inspiration to get me going...any ideas out there???*****"I'm not going to get angry. When I retire, I shall simply write a short story for my revenge."~Desert Hearts

Productive procrastination

I know I should be working right now; I have two papers due next week and a presentation. However, I just can't seem to force myself to be productive. So, I am productively procrastinating by writing in my livejournal. I think I like this thing!Last night was interesting. Going to the PeWi basement for the "Dress Your Major" party was quite enjoyable. It was fun to get dressed up (okay, so all I really did was pull my hair up and stick some pens in it, but still...) and it was fun to see and talk to some people I hadn't seen for a while. There's another party in the apartments tonight, which should be fun. It makes me feel like I've made some progress, that this year I finally have grown a social life and started getting invited to parties. Part of it probably has some to do with being a senior and knowing people who live in the apartments and have the whole senior party-hard mentality, but I'd like to think that part of it is also due to me having grown up and gotten better at casually socializing. I definitely feel more like an adult, anyway. It's nice; gives me hope for the future.Random thought: I should reread "Beauty." I happened to think of it when my mind was wandering earlier this morning. That book always makes me happy, and I haven't taken a look at it in a really long time.Okay, I'm going to try and do something academic with my morning. Shakespeare and Donne are waiting with bated breath for me to analyze them to death; better get on that.

Gay marriage - MY take

The chalkings and the dialogue on the digest lately have gotten me pretty worked up over this issue--not that I really wasn't before but you know. Now I really feel the need to express myself.Love is Love. Yeah, the kind with capital L. God is Love, and He doesn't fit into neat little boxes, people. So get over yourselves. Heterosexuals, regardless of what some of them might like to think, don't have a monopoly on grace and sanctity. I've seen a lot more love and devotion in some gay and lesbian relationships than I have in certain straight marriages. God is capable of loving everyone, so why shouldn't we be capable of letting everyone love whoever they want to love?

This time, for real

So here I am, making my first real post in this livejournal thing. I think this could be a lot of fun. Educational, at any rate.I've been doing a lot of looking-over of some journal entries from past years, and come to some conclusions. First, I have a lot of mother issues--I used to be really angry! Freud would have a field day with me. Second, that I am a very, very different person than I was two years ago. I look back on my life, even things as recently as freshman or sophomore year, and it's just...whoa. I'm so different. And it's a good thing. A really, really good thing.I'm still having a lot of future-freak-out moments, which is surprising, considering I'm one of like five Colby seniors who knows what she's doing next year. And I'm excited about TFA, I really am. But I also have these moments of wondering...will I be happy? What if I'm not? What if I wind up stuck in the middle of nowhere in Texas suffering and miserable for two years? What the hell am I supposed to be doing with my life? How do I know I'm doing the right thing? And even if I am, how do I know I'm doing it the right way?

Here goes...

Well, I thought I'd give this a try. Can't seem to manage to keep a journal on paper, so why not try online, hmm?Unfortunately for anyone who might have a passing interest, I really don't have anything interesting to say right now. I'll be back later, all bouncy and bubbly...if you're lucky. :)